is "blendship" a real word?

The past year has been a very interesting (and somewhat) long one - many lessons learned, many things changed - and when I sit back and look at my life it makes me wonder what patterns I create, and how do I reinforce them?

As someone who is very lucky to know many good people, I wonder - what is it that really makes someone a friend? Not just Sally who you turn to and say hello-how-are-you-today in class, but Sally who you call to get some lunch, Sally who you call in the middle of the night when your boyfriend dumps you, Sally who joins you in your wedding party.

What is it we do that makes that leap? And at any point do things become too one-sided?

Lately I feel as though I am often being taken advantage of as a good friend - but if I am feeling this way often, is it because I am choosing the wrong people to have as friends, or have I become paranoid that the same intense need on my point would not be reciprocated if I needed it?

If I am always putting out what I perceive as fires, is it because I attract people around me with that much drama or is it because I am perpetuating a "fire" by assuming that someone is mad at me? And if I am assuming that someone is mad at me, isn't that still making it about me? Or do I really do that much wrong to people I feel I am close to?

Personal neuroticism and paranoia aside, I had never really felt this way before about people or needing to help them prior to this year. I have always prided myself on making those around me happy and being there when they need me. So why this change now? Have I finally become that self-centered that I don't care? Have I finally gotten enough self-confidence that I know I don't need to bend over backwards all the time and people will still like me? Is this some kind of weird sub-conscious biological response to make me want to just find some ONE person to settle down with the rest of my life - although would I then repeat my patterns with just them? Or am I that jaded that I no longer trust that someone would be there for me?

Maybe I have just become mature enough to know that chasing after someone who is angry doesn't necessarily warrant a different outcome than waiting until later to talk about it. Is not caring about an other's state of being on behalf of your own a transgression on the boundaries of friendship? or is it just part of the natural ebb and flow of these relationships? Or have I become that cold-hearted in my old age?

Perhaps I've just become lazy enough to no longer need immediate resolution of uncomfortable situations. Like the back of a Volkswagen beetle.

Even I can't figure out my deal!

I am worried I have a raging crush on someone who has a girlfriend. Now, while this may seem inconsequential to some, to me it is actually a really big deal. Nothing will ever happen from it, but it is certainly a new thing for me to actually like someone who I know is already preoccupied.

I rarely delve into this territory and so, to me, it spurs more questions; I don't know the girl - never met her - is that the difference?, how can I possibly like someone who I know it would never work with (or is that why I like them?), do I just find them a distraction - what is a crush anyway?

Either way, it is starting to get onto my conscious a bit. In the few times we have hung out and actually talked with meaning I have found myself flirting with him (ok. to the extent that someone in my position can or does) and have found him mentioning his girlfriend on two separate occasions. While I might not be able to control my feelings I can certainly control my actions, and would never do anything...but it is weird to feel this way especially since someone in a relationship is extreme off-limits for me.

Perhaps just more testing of the boundaries I have created for myself?

Song of the Day: Get Low by Lil Jon

First I need to make up my mind...

Lately I've been thinking about all the people I've ever known who I've been convinced that they are what I need to be complete; my other half, my better half, what I've been subconsciously looking for as I drift through life.

In each of these cases, something always happens that bursts that bubble - instances of variety and humility and humor and embarrassment that, while entertaining, don't need to be recounted at this time.

What I have been thinking about as of late - is, what if there is a me for me? What if people who I don't consider to be any more than friends think somehow, that I am actually the one to complete their lives? If they are anything like me, they will not ever tell me, not ever let on to it, not ever even say a word. But how am I to know?

Do guys really always need to be the one to make the first move? I have always assumed that no one would ever think of me that way because I have always assumed that it is the guy who should be approaching me when maybe it is less of a chasing issue and more of a mutual approaching of one and other?

Ugh, am I ever going to get it?! Sometimes I think I live in my own head too much.