melancholy and the infinite sadness

There are times in life where you are so simultaneously antsy and immobile that there seems nothing to do other than wax poetic to your laptop.

For the sake of order, I feel it necessary to apologize for my lack of posts over the past few months. Intercontinental travel, changing jobs and moving three times in 4 weeks takes a toll...no excuses though, I just haven't taken the time to sit and write. And I need to...since this blog is here for me after all :)

That being said, this is also "National Write a Novel Month" or something like that. Interesting concept, and I forgot it was until the 4th and by then I was already 4 days behind. Woah, this post is already chock full of BS and I haven't even started yet...

WE NOW RETURN TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED BLOG:

There are times in life where you are so simultaneously antsy and immobile that there seems nothing to do other than wax poetic to your laptop.

I'm sitting here at 10pm and it feels like 3am. This has felt like the longest week ever and not because of work. A good friend of mine died in a scooter accident last week and I have spent a lot of time thinking about (and trying not to think about) everything having to do with it.

What does this mean?!
What am I doing with my life?!
What really matters?!
What do I really want, and am I focused on attaining it?!
Other things with exclamations and questions!?

sometimes it is so hard to laugh in the face of tragedy, and sometimes there is no other choice

one thing is for sure, I am so glad for what I have, and I love my friends and family.

...Sh*t I guess that's two things....


Song of the Day: See You Again by Mylie Cyrus
I love you Crystal - you are, and will continue to be, missed.

is "blendship" a real word?

The past year has been a very interesting (and somewhat) long one - many lessons learned, many things changed - and when I sit back and look at my life it makes me wonder what patterns I create, and how do I reinforce them?

As someone who is very lucky to know many good people, I wonder - what is it that really makes someone a friend? Not just Sally who you turn to and say hello-how-are-you-today in class, but Sally who you call to get some lunch, Sally who you call in the middle of the night when your boyfriend dumps you, Sally who joins you in your wedding party.

What is it we do that makes that leap? And at any point do things become too one-sided?

Lately I feel as though I am often being taken advantage of as a good friend - but if I am feeling this way often, is it because I am choosing the wrong people to have as friends, or have I become paranoid that the same intense need on my point would not be reciprocated if I needed it?

If I am always putting out what I perceive as fires, is it because I attract people around me with that much drama or is it because I am perpetuating a "fire" by assuming that someone is mad at me? And if I am assuming that someone is mad at me, isn't that still making it about me? Or do I really do that much wrong to people I feel I am close to?

Personal neuroticism and paranoia aside, I had never really felt this way before about people or needing to help them prior to this year. I have always prided myself on making those around me happy and being there when they need me. So why this change now? Have I finally become that self-centered that I don't care? Have I finally gotten enough self-confidence that I know I don't need to bend over backwards all the time and people will still like me? Is this some kind of weird sub-conscious biological response to make me want to just find some ONE person to settle down with the rest of my life - although would I then repeat my patterns with just them? Or am I that jaded that I no longer trust that someone would be there for me?

Maybe I have just become mature enough to know that chasing after someone who is angry doesn't necessarily warrant a different outcome than waiting until later to talk about it. Is not caring about an other's state of being on behalf of your own a transgression on the boundaries of friendship? or is it just part of the natural ebb and flow of these relationships? Or have I become that cold-hearted in my old age?

Perhaps I've just become lazy enough to no longer need immediate resolution of uncomfortable situations. Like the back of a Volkswagen beetle.

Even I can't figure out my deal!

I am worried I have a raging crush on someone who has a girlfriend. Now, while this may seem inconsequential to some, to me it is actually a really big deal. Nothing will ever happen from it, but it is certainly a new thing for me to actually like someone who I know is already preoccupied.

I rarely delve into this territory and so, to me, it spurs more questions; I don't know the girl - never met her - is that the difference?, how can I possibly like someone who I know it would never work with (or is that why I like them?), do I just find them a distraction - what is a crush anyway?

Either way, it is starting to get onto my conscious a bit. In the few times we have hung out and actually talked with meaning I have found myself flirting with him (ok. to the extent that someone in my position can or does) and have found him mentioning his girlfriend on two separate occasions. While I might not be able to control my feelings I can certainly control my actions, and would never do anything...but it is weird to feel this way especially since someone in a relationship is extreme off-limits for me.

Perhaps just more testing of the boundaries I have created for myself?

Song of the Day: Get Low by Lil Jon

First I need to make up my mind...

Lately I've been thinking about all the people I've ever known who I've been convinced that they are what I need to be complete; my other half, my better half, what I've been subconsciously looking for as I drift through life.

In each of these cases, something always happens that bursts that bubble - instances of variety and humility and humor and embarrassment that, while entertaining, don't need to be recounted at this time.

What I have been thinking about as of late - is, what if there is a me for me? What if people who I don't consider to be any more than friends think somehow, that I am actually the one to complete their lives? If they are anything like me, they will not ever tell me, not ever let on to it, not ever even say a word. But how am I to know?

Do guys really always need to be the one to make the first move? I have always assumed that no one would ever think of me that way because I have always assumed that it is the guy who should be approaching me when maybe it is less of a chasing issue and more of a mutual approaching of one and other?

Ugh, am I ever going to get it?! Sometimes I think I live in my own head too much.

wanting new clothes but not wanting to be emperor

They say the possessions you keep and surround yourself with say a lot about you...and if you have the tendency to excessively hold on to things [guilty as charged] that you are actually holding on to your past life and not living in the present. That you will continue to be who you were rather than who you are, and more importantly, who you want to be.

At what point does an object stop being an object and instead become a memory, or a feeling, or a smile, or a wistful dream?

As someone who has been thinking about these things a lot lately, I have recently decided that maybe one of the best things I could do is to really get rid of everything. I mean everything. Granted, this is somewhat of an expensive proposition, and undoubtedly will not come to complete fruition...but for the first time I can remember (and I have moved quite a bit), the idea of getting rid of the majority of my stuff seems very freeing, and makes me very excited.

What is stuff really? There are items of necessity - like clothing. There are items of luxury - like jewelry. There are items of convenience - like sporting equipment. [if you're going to do something repeatedly it makes sense to be prepared]

At what point does it become more convenient to just re-purchase things rather than lug them with you everywhere? And is it really just that price point that matters, or is it the attachment to them on a deeper level that matters more?

I don't think it is possible to pare down possessions for the long haul to just a bag or two...but I know when I lived in Europe for a semester I went with two bags and I seemed to do just fine. Accumulating new things has never been difficult...it is getting rid of those memories that seems to be holding me back from being who I want to be rather than who I was.

"Be the change you want to see in the world" -Ghandi [I think this is applicable even on a smaller scale to your own life...be the person you want to become]

"Twice you burned your life's work. Once to start a new life, and once just to start a fire" -The Long Winters

Song of the Day: New Girl - the Long Winters

Why fi?

It's amazing to me how many wireless connections you can find, even in an assumed insular place such as a single-family home.

Now, I am all for ease of access to the internet. I love that I can occasionally find a park that provides internet service, I love free-loading when I'm travelling, and I love that when my connection to my secured network isn't working for some reason I can poach an unsecured connection from my neighbors.

My question is; what is this doing to us, if anything? Is the fact that I am being radiated by wireless networks (3 on full power, 2 on half power) sitting here in my bed having any effect other than computer convenience?

I have studied negative long-tern environmental effects too long not to be somewhat paranoid. Cancer is too prevalent in my family not to be somewhat paranoid.

That being said, I also don't feel strongly enough (yet) to look into the strength of the WiFi waves, or if they are that extremely different from any other waves we are constantly bombarded with...television, AM, FM, cell phones.

It just seems that there has been no second thought to the health ramifications; there has been more chatter lately of the impacts of high cell phone usage but never any mention of long-term Wi-Fi exposure. Maybe it is too new to have the results of any studies. Or maybe it is another form of survival of the fittest; as our environment changes (whether through the natural world or our own changes) only those who have the molecular structure to stay healthy will survive long-term.

Song of the Day: Too much information - Duran Duran

I'm a slacker

I thought this was appropriate, and true. And all those Karl fans were so concerned about my spreading rumours. At this point I haven't posted in so long I'm pretty sure even my consistent readership of 2 has stopped anticipating posts.

Good news on the "attempting to actually keep up with my blog" front: I'm not travelling for a while so maybe (not to be confused with 'likely') I'll post more

Time to get things done

sigh. So much to do.
prioritizing my list
needs to happen first

Song of the Day: So Much To Say - DMB

s things I like

Surfing, Soccer, Sand, Saltwater, Saltwater Taffy, Singing, Swing Dancing, Sundays, Saturdays, SAILING, Serendipity frozen hot chocolate, Serenity NOW, silliness, signatures, sounds, SUNSHINE, smiles, sad songs, sappy songs, songs, sweets, sending mail, stripes, solids, SKIING, snowboarding, snow, spades, steak and eggs, Santa



and Charleston

My momentary self-torture

Repeat song over
In my head, Chris Isaak sings
stupid catchy tune

Song of the Day: Somebody's Crying - Chris Isaak

The Power of Apathy

so, after an interesting weekend [interesting in the internal thought kind of way, not at all in the big-exciting-story kind of way] I have decided that I am done responding to people's drama. I don't know if drama is the right term. I am done having people guilt me for completely inconsequential things.

Now, if I were a malicious person or had bad intentions, I would think it would make sense and I would be deserving of guilt. But I am finally realizing that there are times when people make a really big deal of nothing and I'm tired of responding to it.

Maybe it is my constant need to make sure those around me are happy that I am actually the one making a bigger deal of it...it might be that it's just their reaction and they are not actually that angry.

Either way, I'm done, and it feels GREAT! I complain about other people having so much drama and how I'm trying to be drama free, but I think that by allowing for these big reactions, or even acknowledging them I am merely feeding into this drama system.

Our own happiness can only come from ourselves and we set the terms of our own reality. So why am I constantly catering to appeasing others when all it is doing is increasing the stress put upon myself? It's their problem, not mine. From empathy to apathy.

We'll see how it goes, but to be completely honest I feel so much better all ready. Maybe because for once I am finally willing to put myself first. And that makes me smile.

Alright world, let's do this!

:)

Song of the Day: Move Along - All American Rejects

I don't care about apathy

It is interesting to me how when everything is going fine there's not a whole lot to say. Ask someone who's perfectly content with their life how things are going and they will most likely answer with "fine." Ask them what's new and the answer may be a bit of a shock...it might just be "nothing."

Does one always have to have something new going on or have a change in the pattern of their every day life to be happy? I don't think so. I think some people are truly content with the status quo of their lives. Most people don't like things around them to change - it makes them uncomfortable.

So what is it that drives some people to be constantly changing? To associate nothing new with being boring?

Historically, the structure of drama deals with conflict and is either a comedy or a tragedy...perhaps by living devoid of drama people are then able to not deal with the high and low emotions brought about by either comedy or tragedy. But then neither is it an interesting story to tell. People aren't interested in hearing about average.

As with the yin and yang, there needs to be the balance of both or the other will cease to exist. It's all relative; without knowing ugliness you cannot appreciate beauty. Same with tragedy and comedy.

All I know is I would rather be on the roller coaster of life enjoying both the highs and lows than floating down a steady stream that offered no white water challenges.


Song of the Day: Another Day by Paul McCartney (like you didn't see that coming)

Listing isn't just something that happens on a boat

The other day at a friend's house I was reading their book of lists - Milk, Eggs, Vodka. Quite amusing. The past few days I have been doing some major spring cleaning (technically I have until June 21st!) and cleaning both my desk at work and my room at home. I figure I should go with it while I have the motivation; if we average the trending of the last 29 years, the mood should again strike me in about...well...29 years.

So, since I have been digging through papers who age can only be determine through radioactive carbon dating, I have come across some lists of my own with no idea of what they mean. So, in honor of Milk, Eggs, Vodka, here are my own lists (if I was really doing this I would take a photo and upload that. Maybe tomorrow.)

List from work says:

Chris Hahn
-------------
nursing home


what could that possibly mean? I have absolutely no idea who Chris Hahn is...or what he (she?) has to do with a nursing home.


List from home says:

supplies
-------------
-grapes
-spaghetti
-apples
-knee high socks


feel free to use your imaginations on that one...I can't imagine what kind of supplies these were, or what I was attempting to do with them...

This one is too irrelevant to know the connection: today's Song of the Day was inspired from watching Striptease earlier (I had never seen it before) and this has been stuck in my head ever since.

Song of the Day: Little Bird by Annie Lennox

Chill with Will

Shall I Compare Thee to a Summer's Day?
William Shakespeare

Shall I compare thee to a Summer's Day?
Thou are ore lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And Summer's lease hath all too short a date:
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimm'd;
And every fair from fair sometimes declines,
By chance or nature's changing course untrimm'd:
But thy eternal Summer shall not fade
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st;
Nor shall Death brag thou wander'st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st:
So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.


Song of the Day: Wedding Bell Blues - the Fifth Dimension

Sherlock or Basil?

I was just in the shower and Baker Street (by Gerry Rafferty) came on. It is such a great, great song that I think is always just kind of known as "that saxophone song" - but for those who have never gotten past the haunting sax melody, here are the words:

Windin' your way down on Baker Street
Light in your head and dead on your feet
Well another crazy day
You'll drink the night away
And forget about everything
This city desert makes you feel so cold.
It's got so many people but it's got no soul
And it's taking you so long
To find out you were wrong
When you thought it had everything

You used to think that it was so easy
You used to say that it was so easy
But you're tryin'
You're tryin' now
Another year and then you'll be happy
Just one more year and then you'll be happy
But you're cryin'
You're cryin' now

Way down the street there's a lad in his place
He opens the door he's got that look on his face
And he asks you where you've been
You tell him who you've seen
And you talk about anything

He's got this dream about buyin' some land
He's gonna give up the booze and the one night stands
And then he'll settle down there's a quiet little town
And forget about everything

But you know he'll always keep movin'
You know he's never gonna stop movin
Cus he's rollin'
He's the rollin' stone

And when you wake up it's a new mornin'
The sun is shinin' it's a new morning
You're goin'
You're goin' home.

Song of the Day: Baker Street - Foo Fighters cover version

ps - to add to the previous post, I would also like to learn new things as part of my daily activity.

If you could do anything, what would you do?

Tonight I was talking to a friend of mine about her job, which she hates...but she's not sure what else she can do that would still pay as much as she makes now.

Money needs aside, it got me to thinking about what I would REALLY want to do, if I could really do anything. I think that the possibilities are so endless that to just start from scratch and try to think of things is not only difficult, but also somewhat counter-productive because you become limited by your own known parameters and experiences.

So, here's a list of actions I would actually like to do every (well, most) day(s), if I had the choice:

-not have to get up early (i.e. before 9) [says the one with a 7:30am meeting in few hours]
-help people in some capacity
-make the physical world around me better
-do something creative
-talk to different people throughout the day
-organize people in some kind of fashion (like for an event or purpose but not limited to only those)
-connect people/work to other relevant people/work (let's try and cut-down on so much internal wheel re-inventing)
-be outside
-travel occasionally

-[to be fair I dance almost every day, but just for myself - I don't think I would want to make that part of my official list, although it is an action I would want to continue on a daily basis]
-[same with listening or playing/making music]

I think that's a pretty good place to start. Now I just need to figure out what occupations could possibly fit that description. Or maybe it's time for me to make my own. Any suggestions?

If you could list just the actions that would make you happy every day (ok, most days), what would they be? Are you working toward making that a reality?

Song of the Day: Workin' for a Livin' - Huey Lewis and the News

The sun is always rising...for what it's worth

As I walked down the alley to my house this morning I realized it has been a very long time since I got home as the birds were beginning to chirp their morning greetings.

a haiku for the evening (morning?):

At camp jitterbug
we dance around all night long
and have class all day

...and I wonder why my feet hurt so much...

Song of the Day: Don't Pass My By - the Beatles

Whether you think you can or you can't, you're right

This evening I was reading Reem Abeidoh's blog on Competitiveness in Social Media and it got me to wondering about the category into which I would fall, and into which category I would WANT to fall.

This makes me wonder what exactly is my endgame? Why do I participate in various forms of Social Media? What is the motivation, and does that motivation produce competitiveness?

I think that at this point I seem to be going backwards through the Social Media ladder. This is completely by choice; as a political candidate I was thrown into the pseudo-public arena [I say pseudo because we know how much the public pays attention to any election other than the presidency - and even that turnout is atrocious] and as such, needed as much exposure as possible. What better way to take advantage of free marketing than through Social Media? If I had really been more on top of it, I would have made sure to use twitter, del.icio.us, digg, etc. and not just the basics like YouTube, Facebook, MySpace, etc.

I have gone from wanting my image, and message on as many sites and discussions as possible to wanting to be myself without the scrutiny that comes from under the candidate microscope. Even so, there are certain things I will never publish on any form of social media, and to an extent is why I keep this blog anonymous. A candidate is no different at times than any other marketed product, and you want to maintain the integrity and value of the brand. I don't doubt that soon all candidates will have a social media team to maintain their online activity. It is no longer only the neighborhood forum that matters; the heated debate on twitter needs to be addressed as well.

Even so, what if my goal was to have an online expertise that would then translate into an illustrious political career? I would most certainly be maintaining all kinds of Social Media and have a blog that was more focused on political and/or urban space issues.

The thing is, at least on this blog, that is not my point. The point is making me feel somewhat obligated to my invisible loyal readers (Do you exist?! Thank you!!) to keep writing, even when I don't want to. There is a phase in any activity where you don't want to continue; but the only way to transcend to the next level is to bust through these mental block times. Without the invisible eyes of the potential reader, I would have hardly posted half as many posts as I have already. And that's not saying a whole lot. :)

Reem's blog has actually made me reassess in some ways what it is I am trying to accomplish. It makes me think that ideally - to really network and use social media to its fullest potential - you need to have a focus and clarity on your message regardless of exactly which form of media you are using. Since I am currently in the search/creation of my next message to the world, it would make sense for me to take a few steps down on that Social Media pyramid.

Song of the Day: The Way I Am - Eminem

One in Ten

Time never ceases to amaze me. The last post I made was ten days ago and yet it seems like it has been eons since I sat down and typed on my laptop (I don't count making moves on scrabulous as typing). As Einstein would suppose, time moves differently dependent upon whether the person experiencing the time is moving or stationary.


While I'm not quite sure how that translates to my past week and a half in the mathematic way, I certainly know that time often feel relative. I've been travelling, house/cat-sitting, bike commuting etc. and it seems as though all my time is spent on the move. Please note I have excluded my time spent at my desk from work into this very scientific calculation. I need to make a graph for graphjam.

Since I am house-sitting during bike-to-work month, I'm really making a conscious effort to bike even though I have been further away from downtown than I would be from my house...while I will inevitably (and hopefully) be in better shape by the end of the month, my commute has shifted from mindless music-listening, out-of-the-window-staring, thought-wandering bus riding to pedal-pedal-pedal-I-can-(huff-huff-breathe-breathe)-make-it-(pant-pant-breathe-breathe)-up-this-(wheeze-wheeze-breathe-breathe)-hill.

So, while perhaps I have embodied more of the 'living in the moment' zen so many seek, I haven't quite had the same sub-conscious down-time. While I would love for this excuse to be the reason I haven't been writing that much, I don't know if that's really the case.

For anything in life, you either do it or you don't. So, if you want something to be done, you just need to get off your ass, over yourself, and just do it.

I have a friend who gets up every morning at 5am (5AM!!!!) to write. Now that is a dedication and commitment that is truly impressive, and I think really shows where her priorities are for herself. At the end of the day, it's what we gives our priorities to that dictates the life we lead.

I will bend over backwards to save pennies and PTO to be able to travel as I want; if there is something else I want to successfully accomplish I need to be as willing to sacrifice and re-arrange other things to give that new item priority. If I can bring lunch every day knowing my saved money will contribute to my Hawaiian vacation, why can't I walk away from the television knowing that hour could be better spent writing lengthy stream-of-consciousness diatribes? (you may disagree with the 'better spent' sentiment)

No matter what it is you are trying to pursue, you can only accomplish it by not just thinking about it and dreaming about it but by actually doing it; until you are ready to willingly make that dream your priority in your every-day life, it will continue to merely remain a dream.

Song of the Day: Monkey Wrench - the Foo Fighters

making lemonade

It seems that more than writing about actual topics I seem to write about writing. I have had so many things I have wanted to say about a variety of topics - my friend's death, my brother's graduation, the surreal feeling of returning to places you know so well but seem so different the longer you are away...

So why can't I take the leap to actually write what I'm thinking? Why is it that I can seem to have an entire essay monologue in my head and the instant I get in front of a screen it is no longer there to be transcribed?

The point of this exercise was for me to start writing more, and the more I push the writing times into "when I have time" the more difficult it is to actually write.

If I'm going to make writing a real priority I'm going to have to start giving it priority time. Rather than "if I have time" it should be "I'm going to write now"

The apprehension behind this is, of course, the fear of becoming one of those blog-obsessed people who feel they can't discuss something because it was already posted on their blog or are wary to discuss the topic of a future post.

Overall though, I think the new ability for us blogger folks to post at a specified time will help; although only time will tell if that will work out...

Song of the Day: No Time - The Guess Who

Stay Young. Stay Foolish.

Words of wisdom from Steve Jobs:

"When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.

This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:
No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."

Song of the Day: Lonesome Day by Bruce Springsteen

This April has brought both of life's inevitability's

Today I found out that someone I knew committed suicide.

I just tried writing a second sentence to that more than 3 times. Words are not easy at this time, but since this is a blog of my inner monologue, I really felt that perhaps by launching my hurt into cyberspace I might be able to get a little sleep tonight.

For a variety of reasons, this is one that is really hitting me hard.

I'm sure there will be some tangible writing to be done once my sub-conscious sorts things. In the meantime, please give an extra hug to those around you.

Song of the Day: I Will Not Take These Things for Granted - Toad the Wet Sprocket

Trying to find me a better way to get from the things I do to the things I should

I am being insolent to myself. I don't want to go to sleep and yet the only person this sleep deprivation ultimately hurts is me. I don't know why I'm having a battle against myself. Here are things that would be such a better usage of my time other than figuring out my next scrabulous move...

Resume - I need to apply for an opening at work and this is a key component
Papers - I'm doing some major housekeeping, and getting rid of papers feels great
Clothing - A friend just gave me some nice clothes that no longer fit so I could be putting those away
Misc Crafts - I have a poster to put together, a few paintings to do, and I need to get my art supplies organized
Small moving - I got some furniture from a (different) friend, and need to move out my bedside tables and move that one in
Selling - There is a bunch of stuff I have to sell but first I need to take a digital photo and then post it
Yoga - ok, so I wouldn't be doing that right now, but if I was asleep I would get up early and go to class...I decided a few hours ago this wasn't happening
Writing - I could be creating something more coherent such as an essay, diatribe or other such subject-driven works plus I have a few letters/postcards to write and send

How can you revolt against yourself? Does it even accomplish anything other making yourself more behind in the long run?

Song of the Day - Under the Milky Way by The Church

Today's Haiku

How to follow post
Remembering with sadness
Don't forget, but live

An open letter for Hokie Nation

I wrote this earlier today and sent it out via email to my fellow Hokies. However, I have decided to post it on here in the hopes that it may provide some small comfort for those who happen upon it that I don't know. GO HOKIES. We will prevail.

To my fellow Hokies,

While I'm not sure that my bumbling words have the ability to bring to you any comfort, I feel that today of all days it is important to reach out to the members of Hokie Nation and offer a greeting; a virtual hug, hello, and smile to those in my Hokie Family.

It was one year ago today that our University, as we knew it, was launched into the worldwide spotlight as a place of horror and tragedy. Thinking back on the day and ensuing weeks I am reminded of the flood of emotions that hit me, and continue to shape my memories and actions. Disbelief, fear, relief, sadness, loss, and pride are some that come to mind.

Disbelief that this could happen at a place I so cherish and venerate. The campus of Virginia Tech is in my memory as one of the best places in the world - how could this be happening there? As the death toll continued to climb, I couldn't believe that this was the same place that I love, that these were students and teachers going about their business in the same way since I was there.

Fear that strangers would no longer think of my Alma Mater as a great research institution, football powerhouse, or producer of some of the most well-rounded and good people I know. That we would be known as the place of tragedy and loss. Blacksburg is so much more than a place of sadness and breaking headlines.

Relief that it was not I who was there. Part of the tragedy of the day is the loss of so many hopeful, wonderful lives of people who were no different than you or I. It very easily could have been us sitting in that classroom, and the best I can do to honor those who have passed away is to to value the life I have, and be glad for every day that I am here.

Sadness that this happened at all. Death is never welcome, but for that inevitable end to occur through such senseless and wasteful means makes me feel something more numbing than sadness. The incomprehensible slaughter of innocent people, of my Hokie Family, is not something that will soon leave me, if ever.

Loss for those thirty-two people. Think about how many lives you touch, of how many ways you interact with the world around you. Now imagine the impact if you erase your piece of light from the world, and multiply that loss by 32. I feel as though there is a hole in the fabric of Hokie Nation. We cannot let that hole define us, yet nor should we ignore it. It is now part of who we are, of who we will be moving forward, and we need recognize and remember that loss that it may inspire us to be better. Let us make up for that hole by shining a littler brighter ourselves.

Pride in my fellow Hokies. As I watched every bit of coverage, and read every possible online article for all my waking hours the entire week following April 16th of last year, I was incredibly touched and proud of the students on campus. In the maelstrom of media that descended upon the sanctity of their campus, they conducted themselves with poise and grace. I can remember watching CNN, I think Larry King Live, and Larry was trying to get an inkling of blame; a scapegoat to create a bigger story - and every student interviewed placed no blame, and instead focused on the tragic, unpredictable nature of the event, and the healing that was needed to move forward. At one point I remember pumping my first in the air triumphantly and rather loudly exclaiming "I F'ING LOVE HOKIES!". At more than 2,500 miles away, these students brought me comfort. They were a glimpse into the current Virginia Tech life and they brought me happiness when I needed it most. If these are the people of our future, I very much look forward to tomorrow.

In the past year, I have worn Virginia Tech logo gear with greater pride than ever. I have hardly taken my ring off, and haven't taken it off at all since I forgot it at home the day of the BC game (yes, really, I'm still not over that) - I wear it to sleep, shower, play sports, go to the beach, etc. All times when I would have previously removed it, and I think about those 32 when I would normally take it off. I figure the least I can do is wear my ring when 32 people no longer even have the ability to do that. My tan line serves as a memory in their honor.

In the days and weeks following April 16, 2007 I was hugged by more random strangers in VT gear - and it was wonderful and says more about the common loss we all feel than my few words will ever be able to properly articulate.

So, I offer this to you, my fellow Hokies - keep the memory of our 32 lost in your heart, and use it to make yourself stronger and the world around you better. Greet others wearing VT Hokie gear with a "Go Hokies!" regardless of where you are or whether you are wearing any yourself. And on every April 16th, give your fellow Hokies a hug, even if you don't yet know them. It will mean so much to you both.

I hope you are all doing well in your respective parts of the world, and my thoughts are with you today.

BIG HUG (if only the warmth of a hug was able to properly be conveyed via internet)

Remembering April 16, 2007

It was one year ago today that my beloved university was launched from merely being my favorite place in the world to being the place of the worst school shooting in history. While the shock and disbelief of seeing safe and secure Blacksburg put on the global map as a place of violence never really goes away, one year later my greater concern is how to properly remember and celebrate the 32 Hokies who lost their lives doing nothing more than living their lives and trying to further their education.

32 is a really big number, especially when you think in terms of people, and lives, and it becomes overwhelming when you try to include the number of people those lives touch, or touched. If you had full cars of 4 people, it would be an 8 car pile-up. It's one person shy of 3 soccer teams. It's 3 years older than I am right now.

I am still overwhelmed by how much space is taken up on the Drillfield by the memorial. Standing there and seeing the physical representation of 32 people is not soon forgotten.

How to honor these Hokies? If you took a minute of silence for each person, it would take more than half an hour. If you decided to celebrate each person for a day, it would take more than a month to recognize everyone. And yet neither of those seem to be enough.

On an average day I can easily recall certain people that stood out to me, but even now as I scroll over the smiling photos on the page of remembrance I see faces and names I don't quite remember, but want to - especially today. It makes sense that we have a closer connection to those who have a shared experience; the same major, the same name, the same clubs at school, from the same state, the same country of origin, or some other snippet of their biography in which we see ourselves.

The truth is that the victims are a fairly accurate sampling of the Virginia Tech student and faculty body. They are the every person, and part of the horror of April 16th 2007 is that it could have very well been me, or you, sitting in one of those classrooms. And this 'average person' is part of what adds to the magnitude of the tragedy.

While I personally feel violated by what happened at my school, my true sadness is for the loss of life of 32 members of my Hokie family. People who were doing nothing more than trying to improve their lives and the lives of those they were teaching. Hokies I will never get to meet at an alumni event, who will never again cheer until they lose their voice at a football game. Hokies who will never get to make great discoveries and contributions in their field or career. Hokies who will never again volunteer to help those less fortunate.

Looking upon the bright smiling photos of those lost, I make a promise to myself; in the words of Lincoln, "that these dead shall not have died in vain". That I will learn to appreciate my life while I have it, for it may unexpectedly come to an end. More importantly, that I work a little harder to make the world around me better - with 32 less Hokies to contribute, I'm sure extra effort is needed.

We will prevail. We are Virginia Tech.

GO HOKIES!

PS

So for all my gloating in my previous blog when I went to post it, I didn't actually get to post it because my free wi-fi failed. I suppose I should have written in first and THEN tried to find a connection to blogger rather than just typing it into the browser (but don't worry I saved it!)

The beauty of stealing internet

As I sit here in a park in Lahaina, Maui I wonder two things; 1 - why don't I live here? and 2 - How amazing is it that from this park bench I can poach internet access?!



The past few days I have been staying at the Waikaoloa Hilton on the Big Island (to cheer on friends in the Lavaman Triathlon) which is a fancy-schmancy resort that is pretty far removed from any other civilization. It's like Disney World, without the characters or fun rides. The thing is, you have to pay for EVERYTHING there. Internet is $6 per hour (discounts for more time, but still!) - all the restaurants cost much more than regular Hawaii ($4+ bagel and cream cheese anyone?) and even the shopping center grocery store is over-priced.



Unless you have an exorbitant amount of money, it seems completely ridiculous to me that you have to pay MORE when you are already paying to stay somewhere nice...whereas a basic hotel/motel almost always comes with free wi-fi these days. Even this bench along the wharf in Lahaina comes with free wi-fi.



SO I wondered - who are these people that stay here? Or do they just plan that cost into their vacation costs? If I was actually in Disney would I pay for wi-fi? (I am more forgiving of Disney World because I love it :)) I am willing to eat at the restaurants there with the argument that it is part of the experience; was it because I am doing this vacation on the cheap (we got the lavaman discount hotel rate) that it seems so ridiculous to me?

Maybe the cost of wi-fi is more that the actual cost from your pocketbook. Rather than chatting up locals or wandering around taking photos (which I am actually about to do in a bit) I am biding my time waiting for the Lanai Ferry by 'playing on my computer'...although I would like to argue that writing, while time-consuming, is not a bad way to pass the time. And just because it is on a computer rather than in a notebook should not make it more or less valuable. Plus I can luckily type without looking at the screen, so if anything I can argue that I am actually 'seeing' more than if I was writing in a notebook.

[For instance right now I am watching the ferry unload. It makes me wonder if these are the types of people I will be seeing more of in Lanai because I highly doubt those on Maui have gone and come back already at this hour in the morning (it is not even noon yet) - as a side note, can babies go in the sun? I mean, I guess they can but it seems weird to me.]

Just because something is more expensive does that mean it is actually worth more? At what point does price have nothing to do with value? And how many more purses does Paris Hilton need anyway?

I leave for Hawaii in 2 days and mindless forwards help pass the time

You don't even want to know what I am actually doing right now. Ok, ok, ok, I'm watching crap television. And filling out these ABCs. Which are also crap. On a side note, Meg Ryan's lips look awful.

A- Attached or Single? single.duh. have you read any other entries in this blog?
B- Best Friend? I don't have a dog (although nor am I a man)
C- Cake or pie? Cake. Home-made or ice cream, please. Or at the Gorge.
D- Day of choice? Thursday
E- Essential Item? Sunglasses. I wear them at night.
F- Favorite Color? Green I guess... but why wonder why
G- Gummy Bears or Worms? Swedish Fish
H- Home town? small town NJ
I- Favorite Indulgence? Getting my house cleaned by someone else
J- January or July? ohhhhhhhhhhhh...depends where in the world I am but in general I think January
K- Kids? That movie's ending still haunts me
L- Life isn't complete without? A good laugh
M- Marriage date? February 29, 2104
N- Number of brothers and sisters? 2 bros, no hos
O- Oranges or Apples? Orange. Or Maroon.
P- Phobia and fears? Fear of smelling bad. Or having to be near someone else who does.
Q- Quote? 'Made sense at the time'
R- Reason to smile? it's April Fools Day!
S- Season of choice? Paprika
T- Tummy, Back, or Side sleeper? Tummy
U- Unknown fact about me? Well then it wouldn't be unknown, now would it?
V-Vegetable? orange or red peppers
W- Worst habit? biting my lips. People don't seem to mind when I bite theirs.
X-Ray or Ultrasound? x-ray vision
Y- Your favorite food? Pizza - even bad pizza
Z- Zodiac sign? Pisces

Please join me tomorrow night as I accomplish such feats as 'filling out my tax form' and 'packing'

paved in good intentions

It seems that throughout the day and week I have many thoughts on subjects that would inevitable make wonderfully insightful and profound blogs. Problem is once I actually get to a computer, all those wonderful thoughts seem to get zapped by the likes of facebook, gmail, kayak, hokiesports, etc.

How is this possible? How can something that seemed to make so much sense to me be so easily erased by my ADD web distractions? Does anyone else always have at least 5 browsers open simultaneously? How can it already be 1am when I got into bed at 11pm?

If the original intent of this blog was to make me work on my writing, it is certainly demonstrating that creating any kind of cohesive piece is not as easy as I thought. I figured all these subject-driven thoughts and analytical zeitgeists would easily flow from the recesses of my brain to the computer screen. I certainly seem to have enough to keep me occupied while I'm on the bus.

Perhaps it is that half zoned-out stage where your mind wanders that is the best for creativity. My problem is finding some longevity for these internal manifestos.

In the age of technology, maybe my best solution is to start carrying a moleskine and jotting down at least some phrases to remind me of my subject matter. In so many ways I have things I need to do that never seem to get done. Let's add this one to the list.

Maybe I need to take a lesson from Yoda and finally have memorizing all the Stars Wars movies pay off in some way: "Do or do not. There is no try."

Song of the Day: Star Wars Cantina - Richard Cheese

Internet killed the t.v. star

I am often that person who feels that tv provides little to enhance the human experience; that the scattered few years I have lived 'without' tv (bunny ears and a few static channels) were more fulfilling than with. That I don't need television to provide me with entertainment and I am capable of entertaining myself. That although some use t.v. as a crutch to connect with others I am able to find commonality elsewhere.

This is not to say I don't enjoy the incredible channel diversity currently offered by my satellite package...but even with over 100 channels the only things I watch regularly are the Daily Show and the Colbert Report. Seriously. And I can get those on the internet...so do I really need to subscribe to cable? Is it really providing me anything additional that I can't get elsewhere?

Today on the bus I overheard a few people discussing McCain's version of his Obama Girl...and one guy who hadn't seen it yet said "well, you're the third person to tell me about it, so now I'm gonna go check it out." This made me wonder: has the internet become our new common ground?

With the advent of TiVo and various internet sources to watch shows, there is no longer that next day water cooler discussion of last night's show...often you hear "oh, it's on my TiVo - don't tell me yet!" - so rather than providing a shared experience, it instead becomes more isolating - you watch what you want when you want, and you don't want others playing spoiler.

Even I, the self-professed anti-tv idealist can't resist the internet...and I would never consider that a waste of time, even though I have often been up way later than I originally intended doing nothing more than watching YouTube...if it is something I personally chose to watch rather than mindless channel surfing does that really mean it is better?

Is new media considered better because it offers personal entertainment choices or just because it is the latest new media? Does our new-found 'shared experience' do anything more than make us more isolated?

oh - and as far as my attempt as eavesdropping while listening to headphones? I'm guessing they mean the McCain Mama...

Song of the Day - You Can't Do That On Television theme song

A morning Haiku

My mind keeps racing...
an impossibility
to articulate

Bitter With Baggage Seeks Pizza

One of my favorite books is by Sloane Tanen - Bitter With Baggage Seeks Same. It's mostly photos so it's just my speed. A friend recently sent me some mini chicks that resemble the stars of the book, so I thought it might be nice to set them up in some scenes of their own...


This was taken at Piecora's in Capital Hill, which is decent Pizza (IMHO, and by Seattle standards). Now, everyone has their own opinions on pizza, and their favorite pizza, and oh you can only get good pizza in Italy/New York/New Jersey/Chicago/wherever. I love pizza, even bad pizza. It just always surprises me that some people actually like the same pizza that I would consider to be my last choice; thick but not-deep dish, more sauce than cheese, kinda chewy crust, not easy to fold. I have actually had Seattleites tell me they would rather have this than a thin, folded-in-half-so-you-can-eat-it-on-the-go slice of cheesy goodness. Really. I guess if they didn't like it, it wouldn't sell? Although that may not be a good example because, regardless, if it's around I still eat it...who lets pizza go to waste!?


To sort this all out, the folks over at SPLOG! are working their way through all the pizza joints in Seattle. Good luck and enjoy your research! In the meantime, I'm still going to eat whatever pizza happens to end up in front of me. And I'm going to eat double that amount when I'm in New York.

Song of the Day: I'm Fat - Weird Al Yankovic

Happy Pi Day!

Yes, I am that much of a dork that I celebrate Pi day. I even went out with a bunch of friends, all of us wearing large "I heart Pi Day" buttons...yes really. I think the moment of the evening was when a random guy from a neighboring table came over to inquire about our celebration.

"oh, what school are you guys from?" - I explained to him we were just a bunch of random old people who were out celebrating. And asked where he went "Oh. Seattle University - you know, over that way" (pointing) Yeah dude, I know. No, I didn't say that.

I find it odd that people so often assume that I'm in some kind of schooling program. I mean, it's great - but also surprising to me, because I feel so far removed from college.

While travelling home for Christmas last year, I had a brown tube carrying a poster for my brother and a print for my parents. When I went to get off the plane, a woman handed it to me from the overhead and rather excitedly asked "Oh, is that some homework or a project?!" . Um, no. But thanks? It felt more awkward than complimentary but perhaps in ten years I will be more grateful for looking young. *by the way, I don't actually think I look that young...

Tonight at one point we were talking about Bel Biv Divoe and Boys II Men and someone said: "A.B.C., B.B.D."

I replied "(finishing the song) mmm, hmmmm. Whatever happened to A.B.C. anyway?"

at this point someone else joined in: "They weren't cute anymore. HA, A.B.C. - more like Another Bad Creation. (pause) ...oh, wait...that was actually their name, wasn't it?"



Song of the Day: Van Halen - Nerf Herder

Yet another reason to support full-size, closing voting booths

photo credit: J.D. Pooley/Getty Images

Doesn't it look like all three of these people are in a slow-speed getaway from the camera with walkers? From this Sunday's Times Magazine

Legitimate Fiction isn't just the name of a blog

The faint call from the other room was barely audible: "Sally?..."

Since she had been frantically searching the folds of her sheets for her cell phone anyway, and it was well past the hour she had intended to go to sleep, Sally slowly emerged from her bedroom and wandered out into the living room.

"Jessica? Did you want me? Are you ok?" she said as she rounded the corner to find her roommate collapsed on the couch - half sitting with her upper body half laying on the cushion next to a large bowl twice the size of her face.

"I threw up in the peanuts..." Jessica murmured in a faint whine. "It's rather tragic."

Sally didn't see any other substance in the peanuts other than some discarded shells, but the genuine concern and disappointment from her roommate was not to be disregarded.

"I think I got vomit all over the place," said Jessica, pointing to the coffee table in front of her knees, and around the room in general as she sat up. Her slur was becoming more audible to Sally the more she kept talking. "I'm really sorry. The show was great. I got a little too drunk. And I rarely get sick, and I can't believe I threw up and I'm so sorry and the peanuts are ruined and I don't think you really care that much but I'm really sorry about it and I can't believe I did that." she continued after her last run-on with a brief pause, "I'm really drunk, please tell me what to do."

Sally didn't know whether a gut-busting laugh would be well-received in light of the peanut tragedy, so she toned it down to just a smile. "Jessica - it's ok. I don't see anything anywhere. Are you ok? Don't worry about the peanuts, they were left over from someone who brought them over anyway."

"I know...ok...ok...but I vomited in them. I'm really drunk. Please just tell me what I should do?"

Sally picked up the bowl and brought it into the kitchen. "Well, first let's get you some water" she said as she dumped the peanuts into the garbage, put the bowl in the sink and filled a glass with the Brita from the fridge. "You should probably have a glass before you go to bed. And anyway I'm sure you want to wash your mouth out."

As she returned to the living room, she handed her roomie the glass and sat next to her on the couch. "We should probably get you up into bed. Is that ok? Can you go upstairs?"

Jessica closed her eyes and took two deep breaths. In what she thought was a private mutter but was actually just as loud as her speaking voice she said to herself, "Pull it together Jessica. You can do this."

"Do you want me to help you stand up?" inquired Sally without letting on that she could hear the personal dialogue

"Well...I'm just worried I'm going to throw up again on my way up the stairs"

"Ok...why don't we get you a travel bucket? Will that make you feel better?"

As Jessica nodded, Sally went into the bathroom and came back with the small plastic garbage can.

"Here you go! Just carry this with you - I can take your water. So, we're all together...are you ready to upstairs now?"

Jessica again nodded and stood up, which Sally took as a sign to go upstairs. As she was more mobile than her heavily inebriated roommate, once she got to the top of the stairs she put the water down on the dresser and attempted to arrange the sheets and comforters and blankets strewn across the bed in an order that would allow for Jessica to easily crawl in. As she was shuffling blankets, she heard the sound of scraping coming up the stairs due to Jessica's using the support of both the wall and the plastic garbage can to steady herself.

Suddenly she heard a thud and the sound of shattering glass so perfect, it was like an audio engineering student's "A+" sound-recording project.

She turned to see her roommate collapsed at the top of the stairs, half between the stair wall and a lazy boy, with the lamp that had once rested upright in the very same spot leaning cockeyed against the wall. The bulb and glass lamp shade were no longer in their correct place but instead strewn about in pieces on the floor.

"Good God, Jessica! Are you ok?! Be careful, get up slowly" said Sally as she extracted her into an upright position and launched her as best she could onto her bed. "Let me check your arm. Did you cut yourself, are you ok?"

Seeing no scratches, she laid her roommate down and pulled the blankets up over her. "I think it's time you get some sleep" said Sally.

"Ok," murmured Jessica, "but let's not tell anyone about the lamp."

"Don't worry," said Sally as she walked down the stairs, "I won't."


Song of the Day: Can't Nobody Hold Me Down - Puff Daddy feat. Mase

You are your own sight

Having recently been in the Salt Lake City airport twice in the past three days, I am reminded of a time when I lived in Utah. SLC is incredibly familiar and yet simultaneously foreign on my return visits. At this point I have lived in Seattle for more than twice as long as I lived in Utah. As I age, the blip of my life in Utah becomes less and less proportionate to my time spent elsewhere.

I doubt a two-year stint is ever enough to really allow yourself to call a place home, but Utah, and Park City in general will always have a significant place in my heart. Utah was the first place I ever called home truly by choice (as odd as that choice may be). It was always expected of me that I would graduate from high school and go to college; while I had some choice in where that college was, it was the expectation attached to it that makes it less of a free choice in my mind.

At the age of 22, my friend and I loaded her car and drove to Park City (where I had not been since I was 16) from NJ. We had a bit of help with housing initially but we were soon living in a two bedroom condo.

With less than a year remaining until I turn 30, it's with a bit of reminiscence that I think about my 22 year-old self striking out on her own to live how she wanted. While at the time it seemed to completely make sense to me, looking back I give myself more credence for being bold then I did at the time.

I'm learning it is not as common as I thought for people to leave their home state for even college, let alone to start their life as an independent adult. If anything, living in Utah was a great success story. I survived on my own, saved a little in my 401K, got to ski a ridiculous amount for little to no money, and left without any debt. This all sounds good on paper, but while I was there I never once felt as though I belonged.

I did ok while I was in Park City, but venturing down to Salt Lake or other, more remote parts of Utah were always somewhat intimidating. As odd as this sounds, I always felt as though everyone around me knew I wasn't Mormon.

When I was a sophomore in college, I distinctly remember hanging out in my room with my roommate and some of our mutual friends. At one point someone said: "Hey, you're the only one in here who isn't Asian! What's that like to be a minority for once?" At the time, I hadn't even noticed and when they asked the question I answered honestly: "It doesn't feel any different at all"

Fast forward 3 years to Utah. This time around I DID feel like a minority, and thought about it all the time. Whether or not I really was the only non-Mormon in the Crown Burger, I felt like I was. It is doubtful those around me even noticed (as I hadn't when I was in their position) but in my mind they were all looking at me, knowing and judging that I was not like them.

I can't claim to ever have lived a minority life, or know what it is like to be discriminated against purely because of the way I look, but just being in that minority mentality has given me more insight and empathy for others who always feel the way I felt for two years. And it is actually for the gift of this discomfort that I am most grateful for my time in Utah.

That, and the ability to rip when needed.

Song of the Day: Wide Open Spaces - Dixie Chicks

Location! Location! Location!

It seems to me that these books might not be best sellars...taken 3/8/08 in the Salt Lake City Airport

Does anybody really know what time it is? Does anybody really care?

Sometimes I think that 80% of the things we claim we 'need to do' is just a bunch of b.s. to keep us sane.

I found a last minute flight to Utah to go skiing this weekend, and as I think about the things I 'needed to do' over the weekend (and obviously won't be doing) I realize that none of them are a true need...they are various things that I don't actually want to do, so they get classified as needs...but, unlike eating or breathing, they are not needs.

When I was 16 I spent 26 (I think? maybe 27 or 28) days in the wilds of Utah. Aside from being the most challenging thing I have ever done in my life, it was also the most amount of time I have ever spent outside 'civilization'. While on the trip I remember one of my instructors saying: "People often think of this as an escape from the real world. But this is the real world."

I have often thought about that at random times throughout my life. Sometimes when doing something as luxurious as using toilet paper; other times when overlooking a beautiful vista.

Ironically it has taken my retuning to Utah to finally get it. Never before has the impact of what he was saying meant so much than now. While I have occasionally thought about it, I never felt the meaning of it until I was categorically going through the litany of 'things I need to do' before I leave, and when I get back, and next week, and next weekend, and the week after that, and the month after that, and the year following.

What really matters? While clearly a deeply philosophical question , I don't need to be waxing poetic for 300 words about it. I just think the asking of the question; really asking yourself - is the important and relevant part.

For instance, if I decided that eating and breathing really matter, then should I not make sure I am eating healthy foods that will nourish my body rather than chips and salsa for dinner three nights in a row? Inevitably, I will not prioritize what I feel really matters because I don't have time, or I don't feel like going to the grocery store right now, or someone is coming over later, or I've been at work late, or, or, or.

So the challenge is this: defining what your real needs are and then keeping them in focus. Not that you should disregard all social norms; after all, smelling good (i.e. shower and clean clothing) is a need for those around you. Seriously.

Song of the Day: Responsibility - MXPX

Voir, c'est croire!

From this angle Bellevue actually looks like it could be a cool place. Taken 3/5/08 on the corner of Roy and 23rd Ave E in Seattle.

Song of the Day: We Built This City - Jefferson Starship

Fancy meeting you here, Mark Bittman

I have become completely addicted to my blog. I would like to blame JW for most of this...he keeps telling me about cool tools and shareware and other wondrous things that allow me to geek out even more than I was before.

I just added an RSS feed and am working on a topic cloud. What's next?! Soon all 3 of my readers will be able to upload my latest post on their mobile while commuting to work.

Is this the new form of communication? In the world of free share-ware, why does one really need a facebook or MySpace or friendster or LookAtMeAndMyFriends page? Doesn't a blog have all that ability to share and "show the world the real you"? Granted you may not be able to play scrabulous as easily but you still have the ability to create an online virtual persona that is one part a little bit you, one part the internal part you don't usually share, and one part the person you wish you were.

Just today in the NYT they had an article about the value of turning off and remaining unplugged at least once a week. Having just gotten my first laptop (i.e. working) computer in 10 years, I feel like I just got the the party, and yet people are already starting to leave.

Part of the reason I avoid technology sometimes is I very easily have the ability to go too far. I have an inner geek...I just also have an outer person who enjoys showers. So, if my CD player still works, why do I need an mp3 player (yet)? Since I got my laptop in January I have most definitely spent way more hours on it than dedicated to any other single activity. I have stayed up hours past when I have intended to go to sleep. I have found other blogs and are reading them regularly just because I wonder how they come up with content. I check my analytics almost daily. (Kiev?! Really?!)

So is technology just another outlet for releasing an internal part of me that might not otherwise get to whine and be completely neurotic all the time or is it an escape from daily 'real' life? I've started to care more about what I should write about next or what features to add than whether I get to work on time. Is that a result of technology or doing the same job for two years? Maybe a bit of both.

I have often thought that photographers very often enjoy taking photos because they get to set up the view of the world they want to portray, and they don't have to include themselves in it. In a way, blogging is a way to do the same except the focus is on you. You get to construct that lens through which others will see you. If you know nothing about me and read this, you will have a completely different idea of who I am than if you met me walking down the street.

Maybe this is why the internet appeals so much to people who may otherwise be social outcasts. I might make a good impression to you in real life (or not), but it doesn't mean the person with the most hysterical posts you've ever read would. And which one is really 'real'? My obsession is in full force now, like any child with a new toy on Christmas, but I am not about to forgo happy hour with friends or night of dancing.

However if one's life of reality sucks, I cannot blame people for making themselves to be who they want on their blog, or social networking media. All the more power to them. Just hopefully they make it out of their house one day so they can actually get laid.

Song of the Day: AYO Technology - 50 cent

The latest in public financing for campaigns

In the Hall Feb 27th

A Dickens' novel by any other name

When you are thousands of miles away from your entire family, your friends become that support network to celebrate your ups and lift you when you are down. Friends provide voluntary unconditional love; not because they have to, or because you share a genetic bond but because they CHOOSE to. Choose to support. Choose to love. Choose to cry with. Choose to help when needed. Choose to laugh. Choose to hang out. Your family is given to you; your friends are chosen.

It is through various friendships that true characters can be revealed. People who you may hardly know may offer such unquestioning support; on the other end of the spectrum people who you think are great friends may betray you at their earliest convenience.

For various reasons but no reason in particular, I, in general, do not trust people. I have been this way since probably about the third grade. Not that I don't have the ability to absolutely platonically love a friend; I just am never surprised by betrayals or unreliability.

Seeing the preceding sentiments in writing seems unduly harsh, and yet I mean them no less. At the end of the day people are busy, have their own agenda, and in general I cannot blame them for looking out for number one (which is, in theory, something I need to work on more.)

My negative nancy attitude is merely a somewhat unsuccessful attempt to shield myself from the additional pain of disappointment. The idea being if you have no expectations you can't be surprised or additionally hurt. (Although perhaps you could argue that negative nancy attitudes are self-fulfilling prophecies...)

While having no expectations doesn't actually make transgressions any less arduous, it certainly makes moments of kindness and generosity even more meaningful. I am honored and touched in so many ways by the loyalty and love my friends have for me. It's amazingly powerful to think that someone chooses to be there for you, no questions asked.

Absolute faith in friendship is something I have reserved for few people; and those friends are certainly ones I would do anything for. ANYTHING. And if I feel this way about them, it certainly makes sense that the endearment could be returned.

It's incredibly touching to realize that you have people on your team, to stand by you and lift your spirits when even you yourself cannot recognize they need lifting.

I am indeed lucky to have an adopted family of choice. Now I just need to figure out how to give nancy an attitude adjustment.

Song of the Day: Dancing Nancies - DMB

Bringing back the radio star

Why is it that you occasionally hear a song that you’ve not heard in several years and then it seems as though you hear it all the time? I realize that current songs are on ‘heavy’ and ‘light rotation’ (volunteering at the radio station in college pays off after all!) and there are always a few random DJ choices/requests that are thrown in the mix.

Then there’s what my brothers and I call ‘five year rotation’ where it seems a song will be played again fairly frequently about 5 years after it first came out. I’m not sure if this is intentional (that volunteering only got me so far) or because someone hears the song and then remembers it and decides to request it, thus repeating the same cycle so it stays around for a few weeks.

Sometimes there is a song that isn’t in any kind of rotation, and yet you seem to hear it frequently enough to notice. On the radio; on someone's mix cd; on random online streaming; in an ad, etc. I often wonder if this is coincidence or if maybe I should listen to what is trying to be conveyed to me. One of my roommates frequently likes to remind me: “You know, for someone so logical you are extremely superstitious”. While she was saying this directly in regards to my extreme sports-watching rituals I think it also has application in this instance.

It is said that the universe will tell you what you need to know, if you take the time to listen. How do I know if I’m listening or just manifesting something inside myself that thinks I am being told something? Or is that the same thing?

Song of the Day: Desperado - The Eagles

Don't I know you from the cinematographer's party?

I love the Oscar's.

I really do.

Deep inside I want to be able to dislike them and say: I won't watch them, I don't care who wins, it's just a bunch of self-righteous Hollywood-ites celebrating themselves. While some of this may be true, I always watch them anyway.

What allows me to submit myself to the consciousness of popular viewership is not the outfits, or the stars (I still don't give a crap about them) or the red carpet or the after parties. It's the stories. The movies themselves. I love to watch and learn about new movies; about movies I might never watch otherwise; about movies past I have vaguely heard of and want to watch; about movies I have watched in the past year and loved or hated.

Story-telling in its various forms have been essential to the culture of mankind. Even today we still know, and re-tell, and re-read stories Homer wrote in Ancient Greece. Even before then there were vast oral traditions and stories were told from person to person, generation to generation.

Movies are merely stories that capitalize on new media that allows a story-teller to reach many people. The intricacies of telling this story - from the lighting to the actors to the script all work together to create art that is beyond the story itself.

Movies have the ability to transport us somewhere else. They have us believe in their constructed reality and through that reality we have a shared experience with other viewers. While all movies are created to entertain, some are the Aesop of the their day - they provide the ability to discuss deeper issues and lessons beyond the movie itself. Having a shared experience with our fellow humans is also important - while we might not all read the same book anymore, we might have seen the same movie. The importance of reading aside, this common bond and interest provides a connection for some to the people around them, which is incredibly important for social norms.

When I was a senior in high school we had to analyze our favorite movies. After spending weeks analyzing all different movies I can remember wondering if I had "ruined" movies for myself for all time - would I be able to watch without wondering the symbolism of every object? Without seeing every action as a deeper expression of the plot and themes? Luckily I have forgotten most of what I learned (sorry Mr. Shea); to avoid ruining the Oscars in the same way, I will now stop with my diatribe on the importance of story in human culture.

Either way, you can be sure I'll be watch the Oscars next year. And I still won't give a crap about who's pregnant and who Joan Rivers thinks is poorly dressed.

Song of the Day: Largo Al Factotum - Rossini

wookin' pa nub

Simple Rules for Drama-Free Living:
1. Don't hook up with people your friends have hooked up with
1a. Also tricky territory hooking up with people your friends like
2. Don't hook up with the friends of people you've hooked up with
3. Don't hook up with people you work with (or your roommates)
4. Don't hook up with people you know like you but you don't actually like
5. If someone cheats on someone else with you, they will cheat on you (98% of the time)
6. You can't make someone love you and you can't dictate who you love

By definition, repeating the same action and expecting a different result is insanity.

Since my freshman year in college I have found, through the very scientific method of personal observation, that by following the preceding rules you can avoid all the guy/girl drama that I find to be just too taxing/annoying. And I have followed them somewhat religiously; I very often write off someone I might otherwise find attractive due to said rules. So, 10 years after enacting these rules where does this leave me? Well, I've not offended any of my friends (at least, not unintentionally), I'm amicable with everyone and theirs exes and in general, have done a pretty good job staying on the periphery of late night tear-soaked screaming matches and difficult conversations.

There are incidents in our lives that change our perspectives, for better or worse. Throughout our lives we are constantly growing (we hope) and learning from our experiences. If things aren't working in a way that you want them to, what's to say you can't just completely change what you're doing? Why not start again with a different set of parameters?

In the past 10 years while I have been doing my best to not hurt those around me, I have still not succeeded in protecting myself from getting hurt. While it is an impossibility to think that we can go through life unscathed, you would think that avoiding big drama would equate to avoiding big heartache...but it doesn't.

Now what? In many ways I think that although these rules have served their purpose - especially in a close-knit living situation like college - that they are also allowing me to avoid putting myself out there. Love is a big, messy, wonderful, horrible, surreal, fabulous ride and I've always been scared to take the reigns. My rules have provided me the perfect excuse to be able to stay in line and never have to give my ticket to the carny.

By breaking the rules I might make things a whole lot more complicated...but may also shake things up enough to bring on some new adventures in my life. And I'm always game for new adventure.

At this point, what do I have to lose?


Song of the Day: Hands Clean - Alanis Morissette

THE GREAT CONJUNCTION IS THE END OF THE WORLD! Or the beginning.

As I sit here having completed my entire 29th birthday, I cannot help but reflect upon the significance of the age. When I was born, my mother was 29. It is so incredibly bizarre to me to think of my parents as someone who would be my contemporary today, and even stranger to think of having a little me in the next year. Although it is physically possible for me to have a kid, I am not in any place in my life to be procreating. Let's do a brief assessment... By this point, my parents had been married for 4 years (me: nope, not even close). They had a house. (me: nope, not even close) I was actually born about 9 months after my mom turned 29. (me: nope, not even close...whew!) :)

29. Twenty-nine. Twenty. Nine. I have always thought that if I made it to 30 I would consider myself lucky...and to even be this close seems to me to be pretty cool. I've been incredibly blessed and lucky in the world - great family, great friends and amazing opportunities and experiences around every corner. I actually really enjoy my current lifestyle but I cannot help but think I am on the cusp of a new phase. Although I do not put a priority on marriage or kids, many of my peers are beginning to have serious relationships and get married and have children. So where does this leave me? I don't particularly want to get married or have kids and yet I don't particularly want to be that random old lady hanging out way past her prime.

I think the ability to age gracefully comes with the ability to accept that things change; you can't relive the past, as much as those experiencing a mid-life crises may be trying to. Getting a really hot car might make you feel snazzier and sexier but it certainly doesn't make you younger. And at some point trying too hard makes you, if anything, more pathetic.

I distinctly remember when my dad turned 40. I was about 9 and I asked him what it felt like to be 40. At the time, it seemed to me to be so incredibly ancient - indeed, it was more than four times the entire experience of my life at that point...40! His response still resonates with me today, and I think about it annually on my own birthday, and often times more than that throughout the year:
"Well, Lauren, the interesting thing is that as you get older you actually don't ever really feel that different on the inside -- it's the way the rest of the world sees you that changes"

I'm not at all sure what's coming next. For one of the first times in my life I actually have absolutely no idea what the next step should be. Or what I even really want it to be. (which many would say matters more than the "should" anyway). I just know that at 29, in the eyes of the world around me I have truly become a legit adult, and nothing I can do will make the grains of sand return to the top part of the hour glass.

So; I'm going to go with it. I by no means consider myself to be old. Far from from it. However, I can look back on enough and have changed perspectives enough from the days of my youth that I no longer associate myself entirely with that stage of life.

And you're right Dad; I still feel pretty much the same. Like me. It's just taken a while to figure out exactly what "me" feels like.

Song of the Day: Cats in the Cradle - Ugly Kid Joe (please forgive my inability to find the Cat Stevens version)

29

Song of the Day: Age Ain't Nothin But a Number - Aaliyah

Does anal-retentive have a hyphen?

Having recently entered the world of blogging I find myself in what might be a common conundrum for my fellow cyber-writers - how to organize my rambling jumbled thoughts to concise and topic-centric snippets...and how the heck to take the time to write it :). Part of the reason I started this blog was to practice my writing. Writing in a larger sense, not necessarily as a typical blog reflecting a daily update of my life. That being said, I don't know how you can have a blog without the influence of the world around you.

The difficulty for me comes from the organization. Do blogs inherently exist in a state of disorder? Other than the search/topic feature is there really a way for them to be organized? They are, indeed, a web-log, like the name implies. Merely a log of whatever you would like it to be. Your daily activity. The news of the day. The latest in the world of politics. The latest in the world of peanut butter. Captain's log, star-date 2-19-2008. Whatever you want is what you create.

Part of my struggle (other than finding dedicated time to write - which is what this exercise is really about anyway) has been a worry about how what I want to say will fit in with the other pieces. What is the overall goal/theme of my blog? Am I going somewhere with this or just going? Appropriately these themes are carried through my life as a whole right now, and at least temporarily I have reached acceptance. Acceptance that this blog is whatever I want to make it to be, and if I don't have a theme right now, or a greater purpose of story telling other than the need to write more often and with greater clarity I shouldn't let that be my roadblock. So, while I know, and understand that this content is available for perusal by others, I am going to write it for myself. It is doubtful that anyone reading my blog regularly (a miracle that anyone could be doing that - especially since it is virtually unknown) would necessarily notice a difference but it is a change on my outlook and my approach, and should make posting much easier because I will stop worrying about organization and just get to the business of writing. This isn't a novel (! shock and gaping mouth ensue) and I need to get over it. If I'm able to that, this blog will have been a whole lot more useful than just forcing me to write more.


Song of the Day: All My Life - Foo Fighters

Can you find me?

How I spent my Valentine's evening

Per the edict given by Dan Savage at the 11th Annual Valentine's Day Bash

I found the following letter (typed below verbatim) in a garbage bag on the corner:


To:
Karl Tegenfeldt
MCC Vietnam
01 NGO 103
Phao Dai Lang
Dong Da
Han Noi, Vietnam

Dec 19, 2003

Karl,

greetings! you and barbara are somewhere exotic right now, and I am sitting at Top Pot doughnuts watching the line for Lord of the Rings snake around the block. People are going ape shit over it, which I like. I've seen a lot of people in costume this week. I meant to send you and B a little christmas care package. Obviously that didn't happen. I'll have to send something soon. I used to be so good about that kind of stuff. Now I feel lucky if I remember to eat breakfast in the morning! How are you? In one of her emails. B said she was blown away by how good your vietnamese is and how well you've adjusted. Not much is new here. wyatt is getting more opinionated and mobile every day, and his weight seems to be stabilizing a bit :). He misses you. Yancey and I are growing restless at NHM - we'll see what happens. We think of you all the time and hope you are happy and well. All my love, Sarah.