There are times in life where you are so simultaneously antsy and immobile that there seems nothing to do other than wax poetic to your laptop.
For the sake of order, I feel it necessary to apologize for my lack of posts over the past few months. Intercontinental travel, changing jobs and moving three times in 4 weeks takes a toll...no excuses though, I just haven't taken the time to sit and write. And I need to...since this blog is here for me after all :)
That being said, this is also "National Write a Novel Month" or something like that. Interesting concept, and I forgot it was until the 4th and by then I was already 4 days behind. Woah, this post is already chock full of BS and I haven't even started yet...
WE NOW RETURN TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED BLOG:
There are times in life where you are so simultaneously antsy and immobile that there seems nothing to do other than wax poetic to your laptop.
I'm sitting here at 10pm and it feels like 3am. This has felt like the longest week ever and not because of work. A good friend of mine died in a scooter accident last week and I have spent a lot of time thinking about (and trying not to think about) everything having to do with it.
What does this mean?!
What am I doing with my life?!
What really matters?!
What do I really want, and am I focused on attaining it?!
Other things with exclamations and questions!?
sometimes it is so hard to laugh in the face of tragedy, and sometimes there is no other choice
one thing is for sure, I am so glad for what I have, and I love my friends and family.
...Sh*t I guess that's two things....
Song of the Day: See You Again by Mylie Cyrus
I love you Crystal - you are, and will continue to be, missed.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
is "blendship" a real word?
The past year has been a very interesting (and somewhat) long one - many lessons learned, many things changed - and when I sit back and look at my life it makes me wonder what patterns I create, and how do I reinforce them?
As someone who is very lucky to know many good people, I wonder - what is it that really makes someone a friend? Not just Sally who you turn to and say hello-how-are-you-today in class, but Sally who you call to get some lunch, Sally who you call in the middle of the night when your boyfriend dumps you, Sally who joins you in your wedding party.
What is it we do that makes that leap? And at any point do things become too one-sided?
Lately I feel as though I am often being taken advantage of as a good friend - but if I am feeling this way often, is it because I am choosing the wrong people to have as friends, or have I become paranoid that the same intense need on my point would not be reciprocated if I needed it?
If I am always putting out what I perceive as fires, is it because I attract people around me with that much drama or is it because I am perpetuating a "fire" by assuming that someone is mad at me? And if I am assuming that someone is mad at me, isn't that still making it about me? Or do I really do that much wrong to people I feel I am close to?
Personal neuroticism and paranoia aside, I had never really felt this way before about people or needing to help them prior to this year. I have always prided myself on making those around me happy and being there when they need me. So why this change now? Have I finally become that self-centered that I don't care? Have I finally gotten enough self-confidence that I know I don't need to bend over backwards all the time and people will still like me? Is this some kind of weird sub-conscious biological response to make me want to just find some ONE person to settle down with the rest of my life - although would I then repeat my patterns with just them? Or am I that jaded that I no longer trust that someone would be there for me?
Maybe I have just become mature enough to know that chasing after someone who is angry doesn't necessarily warrant a different outcome than waiting until later to talk about it. Is not caring about an other's state of being on behalf of your own a transgression on the boundaries of friendship? or is it just part of the natural ebb and flow of these relationships? Or have I become that cold-hearted in my old age?
Perhaps I've just become lazy enough to no longer need immediate resolution of uncomfortable situations. Like the back of a Volkswagen beetle.
As someone who is very lucky to know many good people, I wonder - what is it that really makes someone a friend? Not just Sally who you turn to and say hello-how-are-you-today in class, but Sally who you call to get some lunch, Sally who you call in the middle of the night when your boyfriend dumps you, Sally who joins you in your wedding party.
What is it we do that makes that leap? And at any point do things become too one-sided?
Lately I feel as though I am often being taken advantage of as a good friend - but if I am feeling this way often, is it because I am choosing the wrong people to have as friends, or have I become paranoid that the same intense need on my point would not be reciprocated if I needed it?
If I am always putting out what I perceive as fires, is it because I attract people around me with that much drama or is it because I am perpetuating a "fire" by assuming that someone is mad at me? And if I am assuming that someone is mad at me, isn't that still making it about me? Or do I really do that much wrong to people I feel I am close to?
Personal neuroticism and paranoia aside, I had never really felt this way before about people or needing to help them prior to this year. I have always prided myself on making those around me happy and being there when they need me. So why this change now? Have I finally become that self-centered that I don't care? Have I finally gotten enough self-confidence that I know I don't need to bend over backwards all the time and people will still like me? Is this some kind of weird sub-conscious biological response to make me want to just find some ONE person to settle down with the rest of my life - although would I then repeat my patterns with just them? Or am I that jaded that I no longer trust that someone would be there for me?
Maybe I have just become mature enough to know that chasing after someone who is angry doesn't necessarily warrant a different outcome than waiting until later to talk about it. Is not caring about an other's state of being on behalf of your own a transgression on the boundaries of friendship? or is it just part of the natural ebb and flow of these relationships? Or have I become that cold-hearted in my old age?
Perhaps I've just become lazy enough to no longer need immediate resolution of uncomfortable situations. Like the back of a Volkswagen beetle.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Even I can't figure out my deal!
I am worried I have a raging crush on someone who has a girlfriend. Now, while this may seem inconsequential to some, to me it is actually a really big deal. Nothing will ever happen from it, but it is certainly a new thing for me to actually like someone who I know is already preoccupied.
I rarely delve into this territory and so, to me, it spurs more questions; I don't know the girl - never met her - is that the difference?, how can I possibly like someone who I know it would never work with (or is that why I like them?), do I just find them a distraction - what is a crush anyway?
Either way, it is starting to get onto my conscious a bit. In the few times we have hung out and actually talked with meaning I have found myself flirting with him (ok. to the extent that someone in my position can or does) and have found him mentioning his girlfriend on two separate occasions. While I might not be able to control my feelings I can certainly control my actions, and would never do anything...but it is weird to feel this way especially since someone in a relationship is extreme off-limits for me.
Perhaps just more testing of the boundaries I have created for myself?
Perhaps just more testing of the boundaries I have created for myself?
Song of the Day: Get Low by Lil Jon
Thursday, August 7, 2008
First I need to make up my mind...
Lately I've been thinking about all the people I've ever known who I've been convinced that they are what I need to be complete; my other half, my better half, what I've been subconsciously looking for as I drift through life.
In each of these cases, something always happens that bursts that bubble - instances of variety and humility and humor and embarrassment that, while entertaining, don't need to be recounted at this time.
What I have been thinking about as of late - is, what if there is a me for me? What if people who I don't consider to be any more than friends think somehow, that I am actually the one to complete their lives? If they are anything like me, they will not ever tell me, not ever let on to it, not ever even say a word. But how am I to know?
Do guys really always need to be the one to make the first move? I have always assumed that no one would ever think of me that way because I have always assumed that it is the guy who should be approaching me when maybe it is less of a chasing issue and more of a mutual approaching of one and other?
Monday, July 28, 2008
wanting new clothes but not wanting to be emperor
They say the possessions you keep and surround yourself with say a lot about you...and if you have the tendency to excessively hold on to things [guilty as charged] that you are actually holding on to your past life and not living in the present. That you will continue to be who you were rather than who you are, and more importantly, who you want to be.
At what point does an object stop being an object and instead become a memory, or a feeling, or a smile, or a wistful dream?
As someone who has been thinking about these things a lot lately, I have recently decided that maybe one of the best things I could do is to really get rid of everything. I mean everything. Granted, this is somewhat of an expensive proposition, and undoubtedly will not come to complete fruition...but for the first time I can remember (and I have moved quite a bit), the idea of getting rid of the majority of my stuff seems very freeing, and makes me very excited.
What is stuff really? There are items of necessity - like clothing. There are items of luxury - like jewelry. There are items of convenience - like sporting equipment. [if you're going to do something repeatedly it makes sense to be prepared]
At what point does it become more convenient to just re-purchase things rather than lug them with you everywhere? And is it really just that price point that matters, or is it the attachment to them on a deeper level that matters more?
I don't think it is possible to pare down possessions for the long haul to just a bag or two...but I know when I lived in Europe for a semester I went with two bags and I seemed to do just fine. Accumulating new things has never been difficult...it is getting rid of those memories that seems to be holding me back from being who I want to be rather than who I was.
"Be the change you want to see in the world" -Ghandi [I think this is applicable even on a smaller scale to your own life...be the person you want to become]
"Twice you burned your life's work. Once to start a new life, and once just to start a fire" -The Long Winters
Song of the Day: New Girl - the Long Winters
At what point does an object stop being an object and instead become a memory, or a feeling, or a smile, or a wistful dream?
As someone who has been thinking about these things a lot lately, I have recently decided that maybe one of the best things I could do is to really get rid of everything. I mean everything. Granted, this is somewhat of an expensive proposition, and undoubtedly will not come to complete fruition...but for the first time I can remember (and I have moved quite a bit), the idea of getting rid of the majority of my stuff seems very freeing, and makes me very excited.
What is stuff really? There are items of necessity - like clothing. There are items of luxury - like jewelry. There are items of convenience - like sporting equipment. [if you're going to do something repeatedly it makes sense to be prepared]
At what point does it become more convenient to just re-purchase things rather than lug them with you everywhere? And is it really just that price point that matters, or is it the attachment to them on a deeper level that matters more?
I don't think it is possible to pare down possessions for the long haul to just a bag or two...but I know when I lived in Europe for a semester I went with two bags and I seemed to do just fine. Accumulating new things has never been difficult...it is getting rid of those memories that seems to be holding me back from being who I want to be rather than who I was.
"Be the change you want to see in the world" -Ghandi [I think this is applicable even on a smaller scale to your own life...be the person you want to become]
"Twice you burned your life's work. Once to start a new life, and once just to start a fire" -The Long Winters
Song of the Day: New Girl - the Long Winters
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Why fi?
It's amazing to me how many wireless connections you can find, even in an assumed insular place such as a single-family home.
Now, I am all for ease of access to the internet. I love that I can occasionally find a park that provides internet service, I love free-loading when I'm travelling, and I love that when my connection to my secured network isn't working for some reason I can poach an unsecured connection from my neighbors.
My question is; what is this doing to us, if anything? Is the fact that I am being radiated by wireless networks (3 on full power, 2 on half power) sitting here in my bed having any effect other than computer convenience?
I have studied negative long-tern environmental effects too long not to be somewhat paranoid. Cancer is too prevalent in my family not to be somewhat paranoid.
That being said, I also don't feel strongly enough (yet) to look into the strength of the WiFi waves, or if they are that extremely different from any other waves we are constantly bombarded with...television, AM, FM, cell phones.
It just seems that there has been no second thought to the health ramifications; there has been more chatter lately of the impacts of high cell phone usage but never any mention of long-term Wi-Fi exposure. Maybe it is too new to have the results of any studies. Or maybe it is another form of survival of the fittest; as our environment changes (whether through the natural world or our own changes) only those who have the molecular structure to stay healthy will survive long-term.
Song of the Day: Too much information - Duran Duran
Now, I am all for ease of access to the internet. I love that I can occasionally find a park that provides internet service, I love free-loading when I'm travelling, and I love that when my connection to my secured network isn't working for some reason I can poach an unsecured connection from my neighbors.
My question is; what is this doing to us, if anything? Is the fact that I am being radiated by wireless networks (3 on full power, 2 on half power) sitting here in my bed having any effect other than computer convenience?
I have studied negative long-tern environmental effects too long not to be somewhat paranoid. Cancer is too prevalent in my family not to be somewhat paranoid.
That being said, I also don't feel strongly enough (yet) to look into the strength of the WiFi waves, or if they are that extremely different from any other waves we are constantly bombarded with...television, AM, FM, cell phones.
It just seems that there has been no second thought to the health ramifications; there has been more chatter lately of the impacts of high cell phone usage but never any mention of long-term Wi-Fi exposure. Maybe it is too new to have the results of any studies. Or maybe it is another form of survival of the fittest; as our environment changes (whether through the natural world or our own changes) only those who have the molecular structure to stay healthy will survive long-term.
Song of the Day: Too much information - Duran Duran
Friday, July 25, 2008
I'm a slacker
I thought this was appropriate, and true. And all those Karl fans were so concerned about my spreading rumours. At this point I haven't posted in so long I'm pretty sure even my consistent readership of 2 has stopped anticipating posts.
Good news on the "attempting to actually keep up with my blog" front: I'm not travelling for a while so maybe (not to be confused with 'likely') I'll post more
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